Night night

“Night night, peanut butter,”
dove off my chipped tooth
and sailed through the space between us
in blind faith, like a skydiver on jump “I’ve lost count”,
already at home in your ear

While I started my climb up the stairs
to where dreams awaited me,
as long as I didn’t try too hard to find them,
shrugging off the heavy arms of day’s business
already too tired to hold on

Slipping free
I landed in a billowing cloud of sheets,
pressing my weight into the bed
like an impatient dog, nudging a sleeping hand,
and fell down from my mind,
splattering like a jug of milk
dropped from somebody’s balcony
into the deepest cracks of my consciousness.

©09.05.2018 ebn

I don’t know what love was

I don’t know what love was.
The kind used to want with.
Different from that natural breath
that makes something in you smile;
like the color of sunrise
or the kiss of a breeze,
or when the words “good morning” arrive,
sung calmly in the strum of your father’s voice,
or the coo of your mother’s.

But you have made it more complicated
than a simple answer;
requiring too much thought, patience, sacrifice
and understanding of rules written in a language
not mine;
which tire the mind,
and give up enthusiasm for resignation…

Because you convinced me that
we believed in the same thing -
a magic trick that stole my identity
every time I had to question
what was natural for me
and so foreign to you.

… convinced me to
extinguish the match meant to
burn my cross of unrequited love
and appreciate the noble nature
of self-sacrifice

which I did

and found myself climbing over mountains
I was never interested in climbing,
not because I enjoyed it,
but because I had tied myself to you;
and you liked climbing for the hell of it.

Love became more jagged,
like a puzzle of sharp rocks I had to scale
to reach pinnacles that ended up being precipices -
crosses to bear
that wore me down and out
with failed anticipations, senseless contentions,
and wearisome trials of overreaching and disappointment.

My eyes tired.
My words stammered, trying
where they never had to try before,
never had to articulate a need I was only allowed to fill
in you.
A need which had me standing in a very long line
with the wrong receipt
waiting to claim something
that wasn’t there.

Love became an ungrateful and hungry annoyance,
constantly begging for food;
trying at times, in the stupidity of loyalty,
to be satisfied with the crumbs that
never stopped the heart from growling.

Love became a student with attention deficit disorder,
unable to focus on the drone of your excuses,
distracted by all the butterflies
reminding me of how much fun I had
chasing them in the fields;
reminding me of how the sun died
when I caught one and pinned it down
to study its beauty to death.

I became confused;
unable to identify my natural appetites;
unable to discern my wants from my needs,
my heart from my stomach,
or selfishness from self-interest.

I suffered a craving that
made every woman a morsel to mentally savor
and then move on to the next
minds unmet
and so unable to connect with any sense of intimacy.

Love became a hollow fantasy,
devoid of relationship,
an illicit drug, like expired dynamite,
banned from fishing,
my line tangled up with you
and useless,
leaving me hungry, if not starving.

My mind turned in on itself -
sick, pitiful and lonely,
like a homeless person
laying half naked on the floor of the subway tunnels
walked passed and overlooked by thousands
every day.
“Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink…”

I say you made love into this for me,
but it is not your fault.
I did this to myself
when I bought into something I didn’t understand,
and didn’t have the sense enough to throw it away,
because I had paid so much for it.

©09.02.2018 ebn

Jungle love

In a world with no rules
and starving appetites
I hunt what makes my mouth water
stalking innocence with claws unsheathed
impatient to lick the blood off the coat
while the body is still warm

©07.13.2018 ebn

Wrinkled eggs

She held them like she shouldn’t be holding them
fingers so soft and trembling
while she was getting a feel for my chi

face flushed and heart beating
waiting for something as I waited for her to tell me to cough
her cool hand gently weighing me

as I dozed off
like a baby rubbed down after a warm bath
breathing with her

©07.11.2018 ebn

Green

I threw my makeup test in the trash
And carefully cut the cord to the television
Before sitting down and watching the plants dance in the breeze

One day
I told myself
I was going to only eat what I grew
And there would be no more paper to throw away

©07.11.2018 ebn

Not a whisper

Disconnected never felt so beautiful
I could finally see the leaves laughing through the glass block windows
And all the space available to me in your absence
Had my spirit dancing naked in the emptiness

I overlooked the bottle of wine for a glass of water
And breathed in deeply all the air moved by the ceiling fan
Rest felt like a smile slipping off a chair
And my heart giggled at the sound of its own voice

©07.11.2018 ebn

Focus interrupted

Footsteps and fingers clicking typewriter keys
Spider sense was tingling when you walked in behind me
Wish you would have listened to the stop sign on my back
Cuz I really didn’t want you to touch me
I was too busy concentrating on grabbing a thought that was about to disappear

©07.11.2018 ebn