We're not going to make it

We’re not going to make it
She pretends she doesn’t have the capacity to think
Betraying the fact that she doesn’t want to
She doesn’t want to work at this
Because it has become work
Because she drags her feet

But she’s not lazy
On the contrary
She steals from peter to pay paul
And this rock is crumbling
But she doesn’t care
She is caught up in the way of the world
Depleting her resources
Then moving on

She knows nothing of stewardship
She does not value conservation
She gives without emotion
Without connection
Giving away what isn’t hers
Freely
And counts herself generous

But of herself
There is nothing to be found
Even her body is just a thing
A means to an end
With me

And love
Is nearsighted
With blinders
Selfish
And self serving

So we won’t last
We can’t
Cuz this shit she calls love
Is killing me
Like a leech

And my time is almost gone.

©2.10.18 ebn

This fucking perfect day

the wind whipped her hair
into black flames
as she stood on the roof top smoldering
red at the gate, her back naked
looking out onto the city she loved
that hid the corpse of her love
somewhere behind walls
of brick and steel and glass
where he
dug his grave
with someone else
on this perfect day
this fucking perfect day

©02.08.18 ebn

The gut

the gut
drew a line along her throat
and changed the way
the corner of her mouth curls
when she smiles

something stolen
something knowing
that breathes the same
but bears the scars of a violated mind

that gut
stuck between words that
don’t fit anymore
that hurt to say
because somewhere in them
they betray
her lost innocence

like she was sliced open
emptied
and put on life support
hooked up to someone else's dream
while she learned to hate
being wanted

every glance
puts me in my place
and as much as I want to love her
she is unquestionably
unavailable

@02.08.18 ebn

Love has

Love has like
So many other things going on
That I’m left dirty
Literally
Trying to catch a glimpse of it
So I know which way to reach
Through time
That damned line I’m forced to stand in
When I see something in hindsight
Something right now
I passed long ago
That kills me
Every time it smiles
Or looks at the world
Through eyes that were once mine
Eyes I want back again
And lips to kiss
Before the words come.

©02.08.18 ebn

In the wake of rezoning

on the remains of a bridge
that led to a livelihood long gone
where there is now only rubble,
abandoned trash,
and crooked bricks overgrown with dusty weeds,
like a wild white bird in a cage
a tattered piece of paper fought against the bent face of a fence in the wind
some desperate child
kept from its mother

you tightened your lips
and your thoughts sat still and silent
afraid of how easily you killed your smile

and I looked at your face
staring out the window
saw the hardness set in...

lowered my eyes and found your blouse
opened more than you would have liked
and remembered filling water balloons
how they became heavy in my hand
how I enjoyed holding them

and confessed quite casually
irreverently selfish
when you caught me prying
that i was undressing you with my eyes
aroused by an imagination
careful to stay a few steps ahead of the real thing

the real thing just a bit too bumpy
and hairy, with blemishes
and a sweet musk that
smells like fertile soil
freshly tilled

the crumbs of passion's residue
caking over a quickly fading elation
giving way to the sounds and smells
of urban sprawl
and feelings forgotten in the aftermath

©12.16.17 ebn

What's funny is

What’s funny is
You know I would
If you leaned forward
Just enough
To give me an excuse
To say I didn’t mean to
But it was there
And what else was I supposed to do

Even while I was staring
With hands full of opportunity
I bet you’d pretend
You didn’t want to tempt me
Give in
And let me
And hang on to your self-respect
(Your mother’s words memorized)
By the teeth
While your legs begged to tremble
And your pride whimpered
Wanting to melt away

What’s even funnier
Is that you know
That I know
If we slipped
We’d break something between us
That could never be fixed
And would have to get drunk
In a disgusting blaze of liquid fire
Sweating out our souls
To make it worth
All we would lose

©12.05.17 ebn

What color is your soul

What color is your soul
You ugly little splendid thing
Always making me laugh in terror
At the harsh and ruinous strokes of my ego
Upon your delicate canvas
You mayfly
You oblivious little ladybug
Caught in my disgusting stare

How can I love you
When my only thought is to smush you beneath my thumb
And clean off your suffering with my tongue
Your broken wings caught in my teeth
As I smile, delighted by some fantasy of
Your spirit flying away
Unseen
And so utterly beautiful
Because it exists only in my imagination

How sordid
To think I was so impressed with you
That it cost you your life

©12.05.17 ebn